Four weeks from today I will be on a plane. I don't arrive until almost midnight the next day. I'm using flyer miles so I have no complaints. I have been in the best mood despite my car drama of last week.
Last night I went to a co-ed baby shower and several people couldn't believe I was going out of town again. Didn't I just get back into the country? Yes, and I plan on not bringing a single script with me. Okay, maybe one or two to read at the airport. I'm not going to sit in any piazzas in Rome reading scripts.
I had a great time last night. It was a heavy industry crowd (the dad- to-be is an agent) but the people invited were true friends not just biz colleagues.
What a difference a year makes. I stopped going to showers last year because I would leave feeling awful. Now that my clock has rung (that ticking sound is finito) I don't beat myself up about not having kids. What's done is done. I could adopt at some point if I ever earn a decent salary, but I know my chances of having a baby at this age are slim. When I was younger and the window was still open I felt all this pressure like time was running out. That I wasn't dating didn't help.
I love my nephew and can't wait to meet nephew number two who should be making his entrance into the world in a couple weeks. Yes, I did think by this age I would be married with two children, but it didn't work out that way.
I have to say without getting all L.A. crunchy, working on the book also helped. What started out strictly as an American woman in Rome book, has also touched on identity and how do we define success. The yardstick used here is making me crazy. I need to define it for myself. I don't know when the American dream became all about getting paid and/or being famous.
Speaking of being famous there were some actors at the party last night and a bunch of writers and directors. Some of them I have not seen since my first production company exec job. One director I met when he was a music video director and my friend had just signed him as a client. Since then he has directed four films including a couple of huge international hits. I was truly happy to see how well everyone was doing, including my hosts. When I first met my friend he was an assistant (an agent in training) on a desk working insane hours. He still works insane hours but now he is kicking ass and has some incredible clients. His wife (aka sfashionista) has become one of my closest friends and is one of the most creative, grounded people I know.
One of my friends at the party who is a little older than me told me I must live in the present more (yes she is a native so. cal woman). She is right. It's hard to do. I need to stop dwelling on the past and obsessing about what may or may not happen in the future. It's a very American way of looking at the world. Sometimes things are just out of our control, shocking as that might sound. My Roman friends think it's hysterical when I say things like "I'm planning to move to Italy in three years." It's crazy talk. I mean who the hell knows what will happen next week?
So I might not have a nice ride or a kick ass house in the Hills, a boyfriend or a bunch of money in the bank. It's okay.